Funnily enough, the bar was fine. I was mildly anxious, but I enjoyed it, and laughed, and didn't feel like I was completely going through the motions anymore. It was nice (a break from being completely terrified all the time) and I had a good talk with housemates that I hadn't seen for a while (as I've been staying with my boyfriend). I didn't drink alcohol at all (juice and water, oh, I'm so exciting) because I think it makes me more anxious.
At the moment I'm feeling a bit scared. I'm worried the walk back with have hurt me. I'm worried my chest pain is serious. I'm worried I'm about to break down and cry and that I won't be able to sleep tonight. I'm breathing okay but it's a bit raspy...I have a cold and it's making my breathing worse. Is it okay to cry twice in a day? I also keep getting cold shivers all over me because this house is fucking cold. And a few minor eye disturbances (I'm reacting quite heavily to light and get a bit dizzy at times too).
I want to be calm.
I want to be calm.
There is nothing wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I want to be calm.
I want to be calm.
There is nothing wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I am fine.
I am fine.
This pain is from anxiety.
This pain is from anxiety.
I am going to be happy and recover.
I am going to be happy and recover.
There are people I can talk to if I'm feeling low or scared.
There are people I can talk to if I'm feeling low or scared.
I am going to be okay.
I am going to be okay.
Friday 25 January 2013
Day 2 part 2:
Try again. Breathe. Relax. Phew.
After I'd calmed myself down from before, I had quite a relaxing day. Loosened my upper body muscles (which I've realised I've been holding up in the air practically by my ears causing pain) and had a hot shower to try to keep everything relaxed. I'm also going out this evening to the bar where I work with my boyfriend and some friends. Should be fun!
I've also decided I should try to keep a food diary. A lot of what we eat can affect symptoms, so I'll be trying to do it daily:
Breakfast: N/A; I was asleep!
Lunch: A sausage sandwich on white bread, a fish finger sandwich on a bagel, half a bowl of mash
Dinner: A fish sandwich (a lot of fish today!) on white bread and a cream egg
Drinks: Three pints of water, one glass of orange juice, one half pint of cranberry juice, one half pint of coke
Assessment: Not enough fruit and vegetables in there! Will buy some bananas/apples tomorrow. I think that's enough fluids (and I've avoided caffeine today as it's a stimulant) but I may try switching completely to water in the next few days.
How I have felt today:
I've gone through quite a mix of emotions today. Positive, to sad, to positive, to calm, to a little anxious, to hopeful, to determined, to a little anxious. I'm wondering whether or not I should ask the GP for more texts just to be sure...or whether that'll be a self fulfilling circle of 'oh I'll just ask for another one' and so it will continue. Though several things have helped today:
1. Doing a bit of law. I couldn't concentrate enormously but I did manage to get a little bit done.
2. Reading through this: http://nothingworks.weebly.com/ note: I'm currently at 'more about the vicious circle.'
3. Physically relaxing my muscles and noticing when I absent mindedly make them all tight.
4. Focusing on my breathing. If I notice I'm getting a little bit stressed, slowly in and out helps to calm me down.
5. Speaking to people both in my position and those who are entirely unrelated who want to help: This has meant I can get support from people who understand what I'm going through whilst also maintaining the friendships/relationships I have.
6. A hot shower-great way to relax the muscles and calm for a few minutes!
What my aims are for tonight/tomorrow:
1. Go to sleep at a decent time, ignore the jolts that have started to wake me up and stay in bed like I did last night (yay positive steps!)
2. Laugh a lot tonight and see if it helps.
3. Go and buy my oompa loompa costume for tomorrow night's work (we're having a ridiculous theme night behind the bar...wish me and my orange face luck!)
4. Manage appropriately in work and try to enjoy it (or at least the money I'll be earning)
After I'd calmed myself down from before, I had quite a relaxing day. Loosened my upper body muscles (which I've realised I've been holding up in the air practically by my ears causing pain) and had a hot shower to try to keep everything relaxed. I'm also going out this evening to the bar where I work with my boyfriend and some friends. Should be fun!
I've also decided I should try to keep a food diary. A lot of what we eat can affect symptoms, so I'll be trying to do it daily:
Breakfast: N/A; I was asleep!
Lunch: A sausage sandwich on white bread, a fish finger sandwich on a bagel, half a bowl of mash
Dinner: A fish sandwich (a lot of fish today!) on white bread and a cream egg
Drinks: Three pints of water, one glass of orange juice, one half pint of cranberry juice, one half pint of coke
Assessment: Not enough fruit and vegetables in there! Will buy some bananas/apples tomorrow. I think that's enough fluids (and I've avoided caffeine today as it's a stimulant) but I may try switching completely to water in the next few days.
How I have felt today:
I've gone through quite a mix of emotions today. Positive, to sad, to positive, to calm, to a little anxious, to hopeful, to determined, to a little anxious. I'm wondering whether or not I should ask the GP for more texts just to be sure...or whether that'll be a self fulfilling circle of 'oh I'll just ask for another one' and so it will continue. Though several things have helped today:
1. Doing a bit of law. I couldn't concentrate enormously but I did manage to get a little bit done.
2. Reading through this: http://nothingworks.weebly.com/ note: I'm currently at 'more about the vicious circle.'
3. Physically relaxing my muscles and noticing when I absent mindedly make them all tight.
4. Focusing on my breathing. If I notice I'm getting a little bit stressed, slowly in and out helps to calm me down.
5. Speaking to people both in my position and those who are entirely unrelated who want to help: This has meant I can get support from people who understand what I'm going through whilst also maintaining the friendships/relationships I have.
6. A hot shower-great way to relax the muscles and calm for a few minutes!
What my aims are for tonight/tomorrow:
1. Go to sleep at a decent time, ignore the jolts that have started to wake me up and stay in bed like I did last night (yay positive steps!)
2. Laugh a lot tonight and see if it helps.
3. Go and buy my oompa loompa costume for tomorrow night's work (we're having a ridiculous theme night behind the bar...wish me and my orange face luck!)
4. Manage appropriately in work and try to enjoy it (or at least the money I'll be earning)
And here we go again- day 2:
So, last night I managed to achieve some of the goals I set out the day before! It might not be huge, but I'm proud of what I did. And my physical symptoms are benefiting as a result :)
1. I did not walk around the city:
It took me a little while to fall asleep (and consistently checking my pulse!) but I eventually dropped off at about two in the morning. I woke up at about six (needing the toilet...too much information, I know, but I want to make it clear that it wasn't panicking) however, I then did have a mini panic attack. I say mini, because this initial huge rush of fear only lasted for about a minute or so. I know the exact cause as well- I was in pain for a, er...urinary tract infection (again, very sorry) and I was about to take the medication when I read the possible side effects. "Heart palpitations and irregularity can be caused by this medicine." Ah. Right. With the pain increasing and my fear increasing to boot (as even though I hadn't taken the medicine I was debating whether I should still) I let out a little yelp and started to breathe heavily. I was shaking and starting to feel dizzy, and the anxious pain around my chest started to increase. But, thanks to an amazing website called the 'No more panic' forum, I managed to calm myself down! More on that in a moment though. I re-fell asleep after about an hour of reassuring myself (and jolting...I'm increasingly being 'jolted' awake when I'm just about to fall asleep). I'm pretty sure this is panic as if I keep my eyes open, I don't get a jolt at all...so it must be the apprehension about falling asleep. But go me! In comparison to the night before when I walked around the city all night having various panic attacks and calling 111, it went a lot better. I feel a lot more rested and as a result I am considerably less anxious today.
2. I added the numbers to my phone in case I need help calming me down:
This gave me a fair bit of comfort knowing that there would be someone on the other end of my phone if I needed them. I also managed to not sleep with my phone in my hand (which I have taken to doing in case I get scared). I left it next to me by the bed and knew that if I needed it, my phone would be there, but that right now I needed sleep.
3 and 4 together; I cuddled my boyfriend AND did something I enjoyed for an hour that let me forget:Last night I managed to genuinely enjoy cuddling my boyfriend and telling him I love him (and not in a 'this could be the last time' sort of way for once!) and we watched Finding Nemo whilst we ate dinner (sausages and mash, my favourite). I was still quite anxious during the entire thing, but I definitely wasn't as bad as the day before. And I managed to actually enjoy other people's company rather than going through the motions! This was in part due to the lessened anxiety, but also because I've started to try to combat the negative thoughts I've been having. If I think something scary- I question it. "What if you're one of the twelve young people per week who die of an unknown heart problem?" My answer (or the one I'm forcing myself to have) is "So what?" If I do have that, which is extremely unlikely, then do I want my last day to be filled with anxiety? No. Do I have it? Almost certainly not. Have any of the heart tests I've had shown up anything to be concerned about? No they haven't. So stop worrying about the future and concentrate on the present!
How I am feeling today:
I'm feeling quietly positive. Still anxious, still a bit sad, but I'm actually getting things done. I think venting my thoughts on here is helping me quite a bit. And, also- that website I found, http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/ is just amazing. It's really good, there are loads of people in the same position as me and talking to them has been fantastic when I need a little support. My University college e-mailed today asking if I want them to sort out extensions for me for my coursework and I said yes. I'm going to try to do some law today and generally relax. I'm in work tomorrow (and I work in a bar). It'll be the first time I've gone back to work since I started having anxiety and panic attacks. The thought makes me anxious. I'm scared that I'll have a panic attack there and look insane. I'm afraid I'll get distracted and be bad at my job. But I'm going to do it anyway. Plus my boyfriend is on shift as well...so I'll have support there if I need it.
Wish me luck everyone! My chest is currently feeling a bit tight (I have a cold as well, sods law) so I'm going to go and practice some breathing and feel better. Also, I want to take another opportunity to just say how much I love my boyfriend. He means the world to me and he's helping me through everything so well. He's going out now for half an hour or so...and I'm going to be fine. I kinda want to scream though. I don't know why I'm sad or panicky. I'm getting increasingly frustrated. Why am I feeling this and why won't it stop?!
As you can see, I'm currently flipping moods quite easily. About five minutes ago I was feeling happy. Now I could cry. Maybe crying would be good to let it all out. I still haven't told my family about how much the anxiety is affecting me. I don't want to burden them.
I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN.
1. I did not walk around the city:
It took me a little while to fall asleep (and consistently checking my pulse!) but I eventually dropped off at about two in the morning. I woke up at about six (needing the toilet...too much information, I know, but I want to make it clear that it wasn't panicking) however, I then did have a mini panic attack. I say mini, because this initial huge rush of fear only lasted for about a minute or so. I know the exact cause as well- I was in pain for a, er...urinary tract infection (again, very sorry) and I was about to take the medication when I read the possible side effects. "Heart palpitations and irregularity can be caused by this medicine." Ah. Right. With the pain increasing and my fear increasing to boot (as even though I hadn't taken the medicine I was debating whether I should still) I let out a little yelp and started to breathe heavily. I was shaking and starting to feel dizzy, and the anxious pain around my chest started to increase. But, thanks to an amazing website called the 'No more panic' forum, I managed to calm myself down! More on that in a moment though. I re-fell asleep after about an hour of reassuring myself (and jolting...I'm increasingly being 'jolted' awake when I'm just about to fall asleep). I'm pretty sure this is panic as if I keep my eyes open, I don't get a jolt at all...so it must be the apprehension about falling asleep. But go me! In comparison to the night before when I walked around the city all night having various panic attacks and calling 111, it went a lot better. I feel a lot more rested and as a result I am considerably less anxious today.
2. I added the numbers to my phone in case I need help calming me down:
This gave me a fair bit of comfort knowing that there would be someone on the other end of my phone if I needed them. I also managed to not sleep with my phone in my hand (which I have taken to doing in case I get scared). I left it next to me by the bed and knew that if I needed it, my phone would be there, but that right now I needed sleep.
3 and 4 together; I cuddled my boyfriend AND did something I enjoyed for an hour that let me forget:Last night I managed to genuinely enjoy cuddling my boyfriend and telling him I love him (and not in a 'this could be the last time' sort of way for once!) and we watched Finding Nemo whilst we ate dinner (sausages and mash, my favourite). I was still quite anxious during the entire thing, but I definitely wasn't as bad as the day before. And I managed to actually enjoy other people's company rather than going through the motions! This was in part due to the lessened anxiety, but also because I've started to try to combat the negative thoughts I've been having. If I think something scary- I question it. "What if you're one of the twelve young people per week who die of an unknown heart problem?" My answer (or the one I'm forcing myself to have) is "So what?" If I do have that, which is extremely unlikely, then do I want my last day to be filled with anxiety? No. Do I have it? Almost certainly not. Have any of the heart tests I've had shown up anything to be concerned about? No they haven't. So stop worrying about the future and concentrate on the present!
How I am feeling today:
I'm feeling quietly positive. Still anxious, still a bit sad, but I'm actually getting things done. I think venting my thoughts on here is helping me quite a bit. And, also- that website I found, http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/ is just amazing. It's really good, there are loads of people in the same position as me and talking to them has been fantastic when I need a little support. My University college e-mailed today asking if I want them to sort out extensions for me for my coursework and I said yes. I'm going to try to do some law today and generally relax. I'm in work tomorrow (and I work in a bar). It'll be the first time I've gone back to work since I started having anxiety and panic attacks. The thought makes me anxious. I'm scared that I'll have a panic attack there and look insane. I'm afraid I'll get distracted and be bad at my job. But I'm going to do it anyway. Plus my boyfriend is on shift as well...so I'll have support there if I need it.
Wish me luck everyone! My chest is currently feeling a bit tight (I have a cold as well, sods law) so I'm going to go and practice some breathing and feel better. Also, I want to take another opportunity to just say how much I love my boyfriend. He means the world to me and he's helping me through everything so well. He's going out now for half an hour or so...and I'm going to be fine. I kinda want to scream though. I don't know why I'm sad or panicky. I'm getting increasingly frustrated. Why am I feeling this and why won't it stop?!
As you can see, I'm currently flipping moods quite easily. About five minutes ago I was feeling happy. Now I could cry. Maybe crying would be good to let it all out. I still haven't told my family about how much the anxiety is affecting me. I don't want to burden them.
I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN.
Websites and numbers that I have found to be useful (or not so much!)
http://costohope.blogspot.co.uk
This wesbite is specifically to do with costochondritis and helps to calm those with scary symptoms and chest pain. Very well written and useful if you have chest pain that has been assessed as fine but you've been given no real answers (I in fact brought this condition to the attention of my doctor as opposed to the other way around).
http://www.samaritans.org/
I've found calling this organisation to be a mixed bag. Sometimes the person on the other end of the line is really supportive, suggests ways to calm down and listens to your problems. However, I have also had the experience of patronising people who belittle the problem (and the person, by proxy) and are not at all sympathetic or useful. I suppose it depends who picks up- but when they're good, they're very good, and when they're bad, they really are terrible. Definitely worth contacting if you're panicking (if only because being slightly irritated at their tone might distract you)! Also, 24/7!
http://www.rethink.org/
Good amount of information on this website! The calls again can be either very good or very bad, but it's worth a look around if you're feeling a bit isolated. Helps to make you feel like you're not alone and that there are ways you can be helped. Again, 24/7!
http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/
This is specific to the particular type of panic disorder that I suffer from. The helpline is open in day time hours (boo, I have most of my panic out of hours due to feeling like there is no one who could help me!) but it's a fantastic site with lots of information and good ways to help yourself. Also, everyone on the other side of the phone is not just trained in mental health matters, but has suffered with anxiety. It is incredibly reassuring to hear somebody who has overcome it help you calm down! Definitely worth a call regardless of whether you're currently having a panic attack or not.
These are the specific helplines that have helped me so far when I've been feeling really stressed or upset at night time and am having a panic attack. There can be a very real feeling of thinking there's no one who can help you (as a lot of places are not 24/7, like GPs and various helplines) but there are still people if things get tough!
Remember: If you think you are in imminent danger of harming yourself or others, or your symptoms change, call 111 or 999. There are also crisis teams at A+E departments who can help (and 111 would be a good way to find where your nearest one is). But generally speaking: TRY NOT TO PANIC :
This wesbite is specifically to do with costochondritis and helps to calm those with scary symptoms and chest pain. Very well written and useful if you have chest pain that has been assessed as fine but you've been given no real answers (I in fact brought this condition to the attention of my doctor as opposed to the other way around).
http://www.samaritans.org/
I've found calling this organisation to be a mixed bag. Sometimes the person on the other end of the line is really supportive, suggests ways to calm down and listens to your problems. However, I have also had the experience of patronising people who belittle the problem (and the person, by proxy) and are not at all sympathetic or useful. I suppose it depends who picks up- but when they're good, they're very good, and when they're bad, they really are terrible. Definitely worth contacting if you're panicking (if only because being slightly irritated at their tone might distract you)! Also, 24/7!
http://www.rethink.org/
Good amount of information on this website! The calls again can be either very good or very bad, but it's worth a look around if you're feeling a bit isolated. Helps to make you feel like you're not alone and that there are ways you can be helped. Again, 24/7!
http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/
This is specific to the particular type of panic disorder that I suffer from. The helpline is open in day time hours (boo, I have most of my panic out of hours due to feeling like there is no one who could help me!) but it's a fantastic site with lots of information and good ways to help yourself. Also, everyone on the other side of the phone is not just trained in mental health matters, but has suffered with anxiety. It is incredibly reassuring to hear somebody who has overcome it help you calm down! Definitely worth a call regardless of whether you're currently having a panic attack or not.
These are the specific helplines that have helped me so far when I've been feeling really stressed or upset at night time and am having a panic attack. There can be a very real feeling of thinking there's no one who can help you (as a lot of places are not 24/7, like GPs and various helplines) but there are still people if things get tough!
Remember: If you think you are in imminent danger of harming yourself or others, or your symptoms change, call 111 or 999. There are also crisis teams at A+E departments who can help (and 111 would be a good way to find where your nearest one is). But generally speaking: TRY NOT TO PANIC :
Now the introductions are out of the way....Day 1:
So, this is day one of me actually trying to deal with my anxiety disorder as opposed to running away from it it.
How I'm feeling about this right now:
I'm not going to lie, the thought of learning to cope with this condition is terrifying. Having anxiety attacks has been the scariest event in my life so far. But- I'm not doing it alone. I have a great support network that is both personal and professional (the latter as of today!) This gives me a bit of hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still scared of course; scared of the next attack, scared of the next horrifying thought process, scared that the doctors have missed something, scared that I'll drive people away by having this behaviour. But, I'm going to try to focus on these things:
1. These attacks are not going to harm me. They are a physical reaction to fear. They are nothing.
2. I can control my own thoughts. They do not control me.
3. I have had blood tests, ECG's, and regular check ups. My physical health is fine.
4. This behaviour is not my fault and no one who is worth being around is going to leave me because of this condition.
Yay positive thinking! :)
What I am going to do with the rest of my night:
-Firstly, the samaritans are calling me at nine tonight. My university set this up as a really clever way of ensuring that I know there is someone looking out for me who can help me and calm me down. It's already working and it's only 6pm!
-I'm going back to my house (currently at my boyfriend's, aw, he's so lovely) and having a cup of tea (or water, caffeine stresses me) with a housemate who also has a lot of experience with anxiety attacks. Looking forward to it!
-I'm getting a taxi there because before, on the way to the doctors, I had a panic attack because my pulse was racing due to all the hills. I know I'm confronting this properly from now on, but baby steps! I'll aim to have stopped using taxis to get everywhere by next week (or at least, to have cut them down).
-The boyfriend is making me dinner (well...and the rest of his housemates. Not quite as romantic as it sounded at first, but still aw!)
-I'm going to try to do some law (I have essays due in) but remember that extensions are there for a reason and this should certainly qualify as an extenuating circumstance. No pressure, just law (oxymoron).
- I'm going to practice thinking positively for at least ten minutes regardless of panic attack and work on breathing, happy thoughts, and hopefully some cuddles (hint).
What my goals are for today/tomorrow:
1. Tonight I am not going to walk around the city. If I really need to I will stand outside to assure myself that I am not trapped. But I am going to go to bed, lie down, and go to sleep. Lack of sleep will only exacerbate my symptoms and lessen my ability to control negative thoughts and physical reactions. Plus I am fucking sleepy!
2. I will add helpline numbers into my phone in case of a crisis or a particularly bad panic attack. This should help reassure me that I'm not alone regardless of the time of day.
3. I'm going to cuddle my boyfriend for being awesome.
4. I'm going to do one thing that makes me happy and forget about being anxious or stressed for an hour. If this doesn't happen then it's fine, I understand it'll be a gradual thing and putting pressure on myself will only make it worse
How I'm feeling about this right now:
I'm not going to lie, the thought of learning to cope with this condition is terrifying. Having anxiety attacks has been the scariest event in my life so far. But- I'm not doing it alone. I have a great support network that is both personal and professional (the latter as of today!) This gives me a bit of hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still scared of course; scared of the next attack, scared of the next horrifying thought process, scared that the doctors have missed something, scared that I'll drive people away by having this behaviour. But, I'm going to try to focus on these things:
1. These attacks are not going to harm me. They are a physical reaction to fear. They are nothing.
2. I can control my own thoughts. They do not control me.
3. I have had blood tests, ECG's, and regular check ups. My physical health is fine.
4. This behaviour is not my fault and no one who is worth being around is going to leave me because of this condition.
Yay positive thinking! :)
What I am going to do with the rest of my night:
-Firstly, the samaritans are calling me at nine tonight. My university set this up as a really clever way of ensuring that I know there is someone looking out for me who can help me and calm me down. It's already working and it's only 6pm!
-I'm going back to my house (currently at my boyfriend's, aw, he's so lovely) and having a cup of tea (or water, caffeine stresses me) with a housemate who also has a lot of experience with anxiety attacks. Looking forward to it!
-I'm getting a taxi there because before, on the way to the doctors, I had a panic attack because my pulse was racing due to all the hills. I know I'm confronting this properly from now on, but baby steps! I'll aim to have stopped using taxis to get everywhere by next week (or at least, to have cut them down).
-The boyfriend is making me dinner (well...and the rest of his housemates. Not quite as romantic as it sounded at first, but still aw!)
-I'm going to try to do some law (I have essays due in) but remember that extensions are there for a reason and this should certainly qualify as an extenuating circumstance. No pressure, just law (oxymoron).
- I'm going to practice thinking positively for at least ten minutes regardless of panic attack and work on breathing, happy thoughts, and hopefully some cuddles (hint).
What my goals are for today/tomorrow:
1. Tonight I am not going to walk around the city. If I really need to I will stand outside to assure myself that I am not trapped. But I am going to go to bed, lie down, and go to sleep. Lack of sleep will only exacerbate my symptoms and lessen my ability to control negative thoughts and physical reactions. Plus I am fucking sleepy!
2. I will add helpline numbers into my phone in case of a crisis or a particularly bad panic attack. This should help reassure me that I'm not alone regardless of the time of day.
3. I'm going to cuddle my boyfriend for being awesome.
4. I'm going to do one thing that makes me happy and forget about being anxious or stressed for an hour. If this doesn't happen then it's fine, I understand it'll be a gradual thing and putting pressure on myself will only make it worse
How my panic attacks manifest themselves:
The physical symptoms of my panic attacks:
1. Elevated heart rate: (I think I hate this the most out of all of the symptoms, because it's so hard to control and worrying it's going too fast makes it go even faster).
2. Sweating: (this one is as pretty as it sounds).
3. Nausea: (again, not a joy, though generally speaking I don't tend to get this too frequently).
4. Chest pain: (which is either from the panic attack itself or the costochondritis. Not a fun symptom and usually recognising that my chest hurts is the reason I start to panic).
5. Shaking: (This is a very recent symptom which I believe is stemming from me worrying that being too cold will affect my health. I have also theorised that this could be happening as it is a very physical symptom that other people can see and may be a cry for help).
6. Fight or flight: (And for me, it is always flight! Probably because I'm such a big girl :'). This has resulted in me wandering places in the early hours and finding it hard to stay in room that remind me of panic attacks).
7. Increasing need to go to the toilet: (Sorry for TMI, but it's true!)
8. Dry mouth and hot flushes: (This is to do with blood rushing to vital places in panic I'm led to believe).
9. Visual blurriness: (I assume this is just blind panic -see what I did there- manifesting).
The mental symptoms of my panic attacks:
1. Feeling that I am going to die: (This thought is almost always present and leads to me calling either 111 or an anxiety helpline. I find them to be of limited use but in a panic situation if you don't do anything, it feels like your panic can rise. I want to work on this as maybe if I can get through a panic attack without actually panicking so to speak, I might realise there's nothing to worry about).
2. Feeling helpless, depressed, and alone: (I can feel this despite someone trying their very best to comfort me and make sure I'm okay. I think this is because of how I was treated in A+E. I've developed the idea in my head that I'm the only one who knows there's something really bad and everyone else is wrong and can't help me -or won't-)
3. Tinnitus: (I don't know why this gets worse with stress but it just does! Mine are either high pitched sort of squeaking or a low pulsing. I've also started to think that noises similar to the ones I'm hearing that are real are actually in my head. This is probably due to heightened sensitivity to stimuli that panics me and the thought of my tinnitus getting worse panics me as I know it's linked it stress. Never ending cycle).
4. Headaches: (I'm putting this as a mental symptom rather than a physical one because...actually I have no intelligent reason. I think because headaches and brains and stuff are where thoughts happen...not sure what my thought process was here but you get the point!
1. Elevated heart rate: (I think I hate this the most out of all of the symptoms, because it's so hard to control and worrying it's going too fast makes it go even faster).
2. Sweating: (this one is as pretty as it sounds).
3. Nausea: (again, not a joy, though generally speaking I don't tend to get this too frequently).
4. Chest pain: (which is either from the panic attack itself or the costochondritis. Not a fun symptom and usually recognising that my chest hurts is the reason I start to panic).
5. Shaking: (This is a very recent symptom which I believe is stemming from me worrying that being too cold will affect my health. I have also theorised that this could be happening as it is a very physical symptom that other people can see and may be a cry for help).
6. Fight or flight: (And for me, it is always flight! Probably because I'm such a big girl :'). This has resulted in me wandering places in the early hours and finding it hard to stay in room that remind me of panic attacks).
7. Increasing need to go to the toilet: (Sorry for TMI, but it's true!)
8. Dry mouth and hot flushes: (This is to do with blood rushing to vital places in panic I'm led to believe).
9. Visual blurriness: (I assume this is just blind panic -see what I did there- manifesting).
The mental symptoms of my panic attacks:
1. Feeling that I am going to die: (This thought is almost always present and leads to me calling either 111 or an anxiety helpline. I find them to be of limited use but in a panic situation if you don't do anything, it feels like your panic can rise. I want to work on this as maybe if I can get through a panic attack without actually panicking so to speak, I might realise there's nothing to worry about).
2. Feeling helpless, depressed, and alone: (I can feel this despite someone trying their very best to comfort me and make sure I'm okay. I think this is because of how I was treated in A+E. I've developed the idea in my head that I'm the only one who knows there's something really bad and everyone else is wrong and can't help me -or won't-)
3. Tinnitus: (I don't know why this gets worse with stress but it just does! Mine are either high pitched sort of squeaking or a low pulsing. I've also started to think that noises similar to the ones I'm hearing that are real are actually in my head. This is probably due to heightened sensitivity to stimuli that panics me and the thought of my tinnitus getting worse panics me as I know it's linked it stress. Never ending cycle).
4. Headaches: (I'm putting this as a mental symptom rather than a physical one because...actually I have no intelligent reason. I think because headaches and brains and stuff are where thoughts happen...not sure what my thought process was here but you get the point!
A bit about me and why I'm doing this:
Hello there! My name is Rebecca. I am a twenty year old girl from the UK studying law. I have good friends, an amazing boyfriend who I am very much in love with, a supportive family and a really laid back, calm attitude. I play the guitar, I like to cook, and as of two weeks ago, I developed a severe panic attack disorder that I refuse to let ruin my life anymore. Let's begin:
What has been happening and how I have reacted to it and thought about it so far:
-I took myself to hospital because of severe chest pain on the left side; it was nothing like I had felt before and it really, really hurt.
-This has been going on for a week or so by that point (as I had been worried I would not be taken seriously...and I was proved correct).
-I was misdiagnosed on three occassions over a period of two weeks; first I had indigestion, then I had pulled a muscle, then I had panic attacks. As it happened, the reality was a combination of the last two, just not in the order I was told I had began to suffer them.
-Over the course of these two weeks I became increasingly anxious and terrified, because I believed (correctly) that my pain was real (I now know that I had/have costochondritis) and felt that no one was listening to me. By this point, even though I'd had several ECG's and physical examinations that had all come back fine, I could not shake the feeling that something really bad was going to happen to me.
-This led to increasing thoughts about death, hidden cardiac issues, what it would be like to be dead, how out of control I felt and how seemingly I was on a never ending spiral of being panicked and dysfunctional forever. When I wasn't having a panic attack (and I will list my symptoms in a moment) I was thinking about having a panic attack. This was having a huge impact on my studies, on my boyfriend, on my family, and on my own general wellbeing to the point where I barely recognised me anymore. No more sleep, no more normal thoughts, no more regular food. Essentially, no more sanity.
-This all came to a head last night. I was on my usual nightly wander around the city (as walking around helps and as I've mentioned, I cannot sleep anymore) and a familiar ugly thought process raised its head. "Why not kill yourself?" said the panic. "At least you'd then be in control." I texted goodbye to my boyfriend and told him I loved him. I walked to a bridge and I thought about it. It was the most calm I'd felt in two weeks.
It was at that moment that I realised I needed proper help.
What I have done today to help combat my anxiety disorder:
-I have gone to University counselling who have put me in touch with an outside counselling service which deals in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) that should help to re-arrange my negative thought processess.
-I have gone to my GP who has prescribed me anti-depressants that might, in theory, take the edge off the panic.
-I have promised myself that I will stop googling symptoms and serious disorders as soon as I get panicked. This has only led to more anxiety and increased debilitation.
-I have started this blog so that I can begin my efforts to end my current torment in a logical manner (which believe me is quite hard to do when you're panicking!)
What I hope this blog will achieve:
-To calm me!
-To help me see any little progress I make with this condition and feel happy about it.
-To potentially help anyone else who has been recently diagnosed and is not coping.
-To be a stereotypical student and blog about how hard her life is. Ha.
What has been happening and how I have reacted to it and thought about it so far:
-I took myself to hospital because of severe chest pain on the left side; it was nothing like I had felt before and it really, really hurt.
-This has been going on for a week or so by that point (as I had been worried I would not be taken seriously...and I was proved correct).
-I was misdiagnosed on three occassions over a period of two weeks; first I had indigestion, then I had pulled a muscle, then I had panic attacks. As it happened, the reality was a combination of the last two, just not in the order I was told I had began to suffer them.
-Over the course of these two weeks I became increasingly anxious and terrified, because I believed (correctly) that my pain was real (I now know that I had/have costochondritis) and felt that no one was listening to me. By this point, even though I'd had several ECG's and physical examinations that had all come back fine, I could not shake the feeling that something really bad was going to happen to me.
-This led to increasing thoughts about death, hidden cardiac issues, what it would be like to be dead, how out of control I felt and how seemingly I was on a never ending spiral of being panicked and dysfunctional forever. When I wasn't having a panic attack (and I will list my symptoms in a moment) I was thinking about having a panic attack. This was having a huge impact on my studies, on my boyfriend, on my family, and on my own general wellbeing to the point where I barely recognised me anymore. No more sleep, no more normal thoughts, no more regular food. Essentially, no more sanity.
-This all came to a head last night. I was on my usual nightly wander around the city (as walking around helps and as I've mentioned, I cannot sleep anymore) and a familiar ugly thought process raised its head. "Why not kill yourself?" said the panic. "At least you'd then be in control." I texted goodbye to my boyfriend and told him I loved him. I walked to a bridge and I thought about it. It was the most calm I'd felt in two weeks.
It was at that moment that I realised I needed proper help.
What I have done today to help combat my anxiety disorder:
-I have gone to University counselling who have put me in touch with an outside counselling service which deals in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) that should help to re-arrange my negative thought processess.
-I have gone to my GP who has prescribed me anti-depressants that might, in theory, take the edge off the panic.
-I have promised myself that I will stop googling symptoms and serious disorders as soon as I get panicked. This has only led to more anxiety and increased debilitation.
-I have started this blog so that I can begin my efforts to end my current torment in a logical manner (which believe me is quite hard to do when you're panicking!)
What I hope this blog will achieve:
-To calm me!
-To help me see any little progress I make with this condition and feel happy about it.
-To potentially help anyone else who has been recently diagnosed and is not coping.
-To be a stereotypical student and blog about how hard her life is. Ha.
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